Noah, I think you need to stop listening to what Barry in High Fidelity aptly describes as "sad bastard" music, all of which is written just to break Noah's heart. As a public service, here's a list of readily available songs guaranteed not to depress anyone:

1. "Kate" by Ben Folds Five (well, unless you were in love with a girl named Kate...)
2. "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" by the Beatles
3. "Fitter Happier" by Radiohead (not at all depressing, unless you actually are a pig, in a cage, on antibiotics)
4. Any of Radiohead's post-Kid A stuff, come to think of it, since being depressed by a song usually involves having some idea of what the fuck is happening
5. Anything by Eminem (trust me on this)

If I think of anything else, I'll let you know.