Occasionally I (and other contributors to this blog) have toyed with setting minimum standards for the sort of person we'd be able to date. (This is, obviously, something like Argentina trying to set foreign policy on the Falkland Islands.) For example, I'm not sure that I could date someone who didn't like Casablanca (which is just a basic test of human decency), Chungking Express (which says a lot about a person's taste in movies), or Morrissey (which is more of an empirical observation than anything else).

Anyway, I've got another one: Beyond the Sea. I'm not saying, God knows, that I could only date someone who thinks that Beyond the Sea is a good movie. But if she isn't strangely fascinated by the idea of Kevin Spacey (at his smuggest and most inexplicable) singing and dancing through a candy-colored quasi-musical written, produced, and directed by Kevin Spacey himself...well, it probably wasn't meant to be.

In any case, this movie is finally out on DVD, and while watching it recently, I found that I'd unconsciously constructed my own Beyond the Sea drinking game. Here it is:

Take 1 sip when you see Kevin Spacey sing
Take 1 sip when you see Kevin Spacey drink
Take 1 sip when you see Kevin Spacey in a tux
Take 1 sip when you see "Little Bobby"
Take 1 sip when someone mentions Sinatra
Take 1 sip at the beginning of every voiceover
Take 1 sip at the beginning of every flashback
Take 1 sip at the beginning of every dance number

Take 2 sips when "Little Bobby" sings
Take 2 sips when you see Kate Bosworth drink
Take 2 sips when Kevin Spacey dances
Take 2 sips when a Jewish mother throws a fit
Take 2 sips when Kevin Spacey smashes something
Take 2 sips when Kevin Spacey does an inexplicable impersonation (e.g. Walter Matthau, old Jewish man)

Take 3 sips when Kate Bosworth swears
Take 3 sips when "Little Bobby" dances
Take 3 sips when Kate Bosworth throws a fit
Take 3 sips when something "morphs" for no apparent reason
Take 3 sips at the line "People hear what they see"

Take 4 sips when you see Kevin Spacey in an oxygen mask
Take 4 sips when you see Kevin Spacey's mighty sword
Take 4 sips at the line "Memories are like moonbeams"
Take 4 sips when "Little Bobby" swears

Take a bonus sip whenever the movie becomes inexplicably self-indulgent, self-referential, campy, or queer.

It still needs some fine-turning, but perhaps I'll have a screening sometime soon. Sharon, perhaps when you're in town? I assume that Mr. Chu will show up...